Textual descriptions of the events which occur during various heavy metal music videos.

21st October 2010


Candlemass – Bewitched

A WOMAN in a black cloak runs across a bridge, looking panicked. Behind her, come CANDLEMASS (sans frontman), dressed as mourners and carrying a coffin, moving in slow step. The woman scurries around among the graves in front of them. As they move slowly through the graveyard we notice that this video is set in some place outside of normal reality, where black spandex is acceptable funeral wear. They bring the coffin to a tombstone and set it down. The camera pans forward to reveal the text ‘MESSIAH MARCOLIN RIP’ on the grave marker. The members of Candlemass stand aside and look sad. A gentle breeze blows their hair. Suddenly, white smoke begins pouring from under the lid of the coffin, which begins to shake around violently. Suddenly, the pop tops off and MESSIAH MARCOLIN emerges, wearing a black robe and singing. He emphasises the lyrics with hand gestures, pointing to his eyes when he sings the word ‘eyes’, and pointing towards the camera when he sings the word ‘you’. Messiah stomps dramatically through the graveyard as the song progresses, clawing at thin air. He reaches some buildings. He points, apparently towards LARS JOHANSSON, who was sitting on a step and stands up slightly dazedly. Next he points at LIEF EDLING AND MATS BJORKMAN, who are walking through the snow. They turn round stunned and approach him. We see the woman from earlier running through some snowy trees. Suddenly she turns and looks perturbed. We see that the reason for this is that Messiah has appeared six feet behind her. He sings at her dramatically. She turns with a gasp and flees onward through the woods. But there is no escape. Messiah points at her, and she too finally succumbs, following him dazedly as he beckons her.

We see that Messiah has now assembled a small platoon of ZOMBIFIED MID 80’S SCANDINAVIAN THRASHERS (including fucking Dead, for those gathering trivia points).He sings expansively in front of them. Then, as Lars plays a solo standing on some steps, he runs around between them, snarling at them, grabbing them and pushing them. The solo over, Messiah takes his place at the head of the column, and begins leading them forward in the Doom Dance, which involves plodding forward whilst wildly swinging the arms. The camera focuses on their stomping feet, an incongruous mixture of combat boots and high-top basketball shoes placing us firmly in our era. They stomp onward, with Messiah at their head singing, past various buildings and back to the graveyard, now covered in snow. They then stand around Doom Dancing on the spot whilst Messiah, still singing, climbs back into his coffin and closes the lid. The camera pans back up to focus on his simple epitaph, and we fade to black.

20th October 2010

Video with 1 note

Behemoth – As Above, So Below

Scene: A bleak, grey landscape somewhere in Poland. The camera rushes extremely fast towards the members of BEHEMOTH, who stand stock still wearing corpse-paint and staring fiercely forwards. We cut with shots of the band playing in some dingy space and overlays of a Thelemic hexagram+penis symbol. INFERNO pouts and throws the horns. Heads bang in time, and someone shakily pans a camera over old religious woodcuts. We see the interior of an abattoir, the camera playing across rows of empty meathooks. NERGAL, the vocalist of Behemoth, trudges around in a dingy factory wearing a long black coat. Simultaneously, we see him singing in the bleak landscape we saw at the start. We see a man with an abject expression on his face making a symbol, possibly an anarchist sign or Lovecraft’s elder sigil (or a very wonky pentagram) on the floor with dust. Some of the members of Behemoth pretend to be zombies. Nergal throws a handful of earth at the camera in slow motion. More shots of the factory interior, and an antique crucifix. Nergal pushes open a large set of double doors, revealing a large, dark machine-lined space in which TWO WOMEN IN PVC FETISH GEAR are making out. After making out for a while, some shots of a Bosch painting, and a solo, one of the women turns round and slowly and deliberately throws Nergal the horns. Apparently satisified with this turn of events, he continues his journey through the factory. There are suggestive shots of blade-like metal objects and silent black silhouettes of circular saws. Suddenly we see that the abattoir and the factory are one and the same as we come back to the meathooks, only now one of the meathooks has a FISH impaled upon it. Nergal contemplates the situation as the band plays on. There is a shot of a WOMAN pulling on a strip of cloth with her teeth, We move off faster down corridors. Nergal stops at another open door, startled at what appears beyond: a FIGURE IN A BLACK CLOAK, lit from behind, is holding up a goat skull in such a way that they resemble traditional depictions of Satan. Nergal glares sarcastically at the camera then moves on. We see the woman we briefly saw earlier bound in bandages lying on some sort of metal grille. A FACELESS FIGURE IN WHITE ROBES is binding up her face. Nergal walks on. A PAIR OF LEGS (presumably attached to someone) dangle over some candles. As the video closes, Behemoth pull out some sweet synchronised circular headbanging, graphically demonstrating why all real men have chest length hair.

15th October 2010

Video with 2 notes

Amorphis – Black Winter Day

Whirling trees. Fog. We see a HAND playing a keyboard: the arm to which the hand is attached is clad in an extremely frilly shirt. Everything is very dark. Flames roar in the darkness! A BOY looks very confused; he has no idea who Amorphis are, and how he ended up in their video. A hand grabs a swinging golden Thor’s hammer. A FIGURE IN A CLOAK twirls around in some stage smoke. Flames roar in the darkness! The FINNISH (THEN: DOOM/DEATH NOW: PROG METAL/DEPRESSIVE ROCK) BAND AMORPHIS are seen standing in a foggy courtyard full of searchlights. The camera pans around TOMI KOIVUSAARI as he stares into the middle distance singing, whilst someone apparently shines a torch up underneath his face. Flames roar in the darkness! We see the boy cautiously picking his way over some rubble (naturally, during a foggy night) wearing a comically enormous cloak. The figure in the cloak paces through what appears to be part of a castle. We can see some blond hair spilling from the hood. Stage smoke appears to be pouring out of the figures cloak. Flames roar in the darkness! The camera pans up past the boy to a lighted window or opening in another part of the castle. The figure in the cloak stands in a searchlight beam, still pouring smoke. The searchlight clearly illuminates a modern steel fire escape behind him, ruining the ambience entirely. The figure walks through a corridor. Off from one side, flames roar in the darkness! The camera follows him up to the previously glimpsed opening, which is apparently a door at…the top of the fire escape! White light and smoke spills from around its edge. More lacy hands, fog, cloaked figures etc. etc. ESA HOLOPAINEN plays restrained solo on the fire escape. Everything is wreathed in fog and stage smoke. The figure in the cloak stands at the top of the fire escape above Holopainen, and opens his arms wide. Smoke is definitely pouring from his sleeves. He seems to be beckoning to the boy, who begins to climb the fire escape, stealing confused glances all around him as the figure makes cryptic hand gestures. The boy reaches the top, and enters the blinding white light of the space beyond. We see the cloaked figure, filmed in front of and amidst absolutely ludicrous quantities of stage smoke, with a searchlight placed behind its head. Then we see the boy looking around the room in utter bewilderment at what he sees: A gleaming white space full of stage smoke in which A GROUP OF 17th CENTURY TOFFS dance cheerfully, as if to the songs keyboard solo. We cut to Holopainen for some traditional low angle shots during the solo, and more shots of Koivusaari, now apparently on some sort of plinth, surrounded by shadowy figures, fog, stage smoke and searchlights. Someone waggles a torch at his face from off camera. We finally see the figure in the cloak: it is a CREEPY ANDROGYNOUS TEENAGER. The teen stands behind the boy as he looks extremely confused and slightly bored in the middle of the ballroom, and opens his arms as if to embrace him, wreathing the boy, and everything else, in an inexhaustible torrent of stage smoke. Flames roar in the darkness! More whirling and fog. The creepy teen walks around the boy as if to begin dancing with him. We see that the boy is wearing a really sweet gold embroidered black velvet coat. There is whirling. Fog. The child looks confused. The Thor’s hammer lies on the creepy teen’s empty cloak. Flames roar in the darkness!

13th October 2010


Korpiklaani – Wooden Pints

First, there is darkness. Then JONNE JÄRVELÄ, the singer of Korpiklaani, hits a tree stump with an axe. We cut to the exterior of a small wooden shed or latrine, just in time to see JAAKKO LEMMETTY kick open the door and emerge, wearing a kyrtle and playing a fiddle in an unconvincingly stern manner. It has already become apparent by this point that the video is completely out of synch with the sound, a situation that will continue throughout the entirety of the video. We cut backwards and forwards between Lemmetty, the rest of Korpiklaani pretending to play their unplugged instruments in some sort of ruined stone structure, and Järvelä singing on top of a rock. We notice during this extended sequence that whilst the rest of Korpiklaani have put a reasonable amount of effort into assembling pseudo-medieval costumes, guitarist TONI HONKANEN is just wearing his dressing gown and some cargo shorts. The camera lingers on a close-up of him for a considerable length of time as he plays a solo.

There are more intercuts of the camera panning across  the majestic wooded landscapes of Finland. Then we see scenes of the members of Korpiklaani sitting around a picnic table. They are drinking from clay mugs and eating various cuts of meat. Suddenly, they leap from the table and begin rolling around on the floor, wrestling each other. Honkanen is glimpsed assaulting one of his band mates with a small toy axe. The main solo over, we see that the band members have collapsed drunk in black and white. Järvelä grins and throws the horns from inside a small cave or overhang. Lemmetty once again plays his fiddle sternly, this time from inside the upper window of a picturesque woodland cabin. Järvelä toys with his axe, but the tree stumps of Karelia escape further molestation for the time being. The band plays on.

11th October 2010

Video with 1 note

Dio – Holy Diver

Spooky introduction. The camera pans eerily over parts of trees. As the introduction continues, the trees become bare, before segueing into a shot of some skeletal ruins. A faint image of a CUT-OUT DEMON flashes across the screen. As the guitars begin, we see that the ruins are part of a ruined church. A window at the far end blazes with ominous red light. The blade of a dented, worn sword passes across the screen. The camera pans around to reveal the sword is held by RONNIE JAMES DIO, who is attired in the manner of a sword and sandals fantasy barbarian. He faces off to a MAN IN A LEATHER HOOD. The man is holding a large axe. He and Dio eye each other warily. Suddenly, Dio strikes the man down with a single swing of his sword, a shot which is repeated several times. The man sinks to the floor, glaring at Dio. Dio looks at him smugly and walks off. The camera cuts to a group of RATS crawling around in some stage smoke. We see the cut-out demon again, backed by footage of an erupting volcano. This image is intercut with footage of Dio walking through the church. He comes to a door full of glowing white mist, flanked by burning torches in brackets. He twirls his sword, readies it, and advances through the door. Inside the room a LARGE MAN IN BLACK LEATHER FETISH GEAR is hammering a sword on an anvil. Dio throws his old blade aside contemptuously as the man douses the sword. Dio advances singing, and the man throws him the shiny new sword, before turning away, having apparently lost interest. Dio moves on into a dungeon area, startling a buzzard on an unsteady wooden perch, almost causing it to lose its balance. He poses with his sword as he advances into a dark chamber, lit by burning braziers. At the other end of the room sit THREE HOODED FIGURES, their faces obscured. The camera pans across the figures: the one at the end raises his head, revealing that it has drawn-on reptile eyes instead of a face. We cut again to the ruined church, with Dio wandering through wiping his sword, having apparently concluded his business with the evil lizard monks. A figure writhes on the ground to the right. The camera seems as if it is panning to the figure, but in fact zooms in on a hole in the floor through which more stage smoke pours. We cut back to another rat, scurrying through smoky ruins, then shots of bare trees as the music fades out.

11th October 2010

Video with 1 note

Judas Priest – Breaking the Law

Short scenes: two men dressed as pilgrim fathers with guitar cases feeding pigeons. A CCTV camera. A sleeping SECURITY GUARD. The interior of a bank. One of the strangely dressed men is seen leaving a pornographic video store. We cut to ROB HALFORD back when he still had hair and was in the closet, singing in the back of a convertible car. The two men with the guitar cases are seen walking through an amusement arcade. Rob Halfords car pulls up outside the bank we saw earlier, as the two men converge on it. We cut to the interior of the bank. Scenes of astonishment, Rob Halford and the two men, now wearing leather jackets and clearly identifiable as GLENN TIPTON and KK DOWNING, have burst through the doors. Tipton and Downing hold electric guitars, which they play vigorously. BANK CUSTOMERS stumble for cover as if their electric guitars were guns, clutching their ears as if experiencing an agonisingly loud noise. One man is shown screaming as his spectacles shatter. A quick cut shows us that DAVE HOLLAND has somehow snuck in during the confusion and set up a full drum kit in one corner. The bank customers cower on the floor as Rob Halford berates them in song form and Tiptree and Downing menace them with their guitars. The security guard, now awake, watches in astonishment over a CCTV link. The band clambers through the cashiers windows, brandishing musical instruments like weapons as a prim FEMALE BANK CLERK stares in horrified disbelief at KK Downing’s red leather trousers. The security guard watches as the band proceeds to the bank vault, which the guitarists open by playing a massive power chord at it simultaneously. Inside the vault is an area closed off with vertical metal bars, which Halford grabs on to and bends apart with a contemptuous sneer. Inside is his prize: the gold record for Judas Priest’s album British Steel, which has obviously been purloined by sinister agents of international finance. Judas Priest exit the vault, and display their gold record to the camera, apparently causing it to explode. Transported with delight, the security guard switches his monitor to display footage of Judas Priest in concert, and brings out from under his desk a wooden cut-out guitar, on which he mimes the rest of the song in an air-guitar fashion whilst making orgasm faces. We cut back and forth from this to Rob Halfords car, in which he is still singing, though now standing up, with the rest of Judas Priest crammed somewhat uncomfortably in the back seat with him.

11th October 2010

Video with 5 notes

Motorhead – Killed by Death

Scene: The early 1980’s. A YOUNG WOMAN is having an argument with her PARENTS, who do not wish her to go out the house wearing very little except skin-tight leopard print leggings and hairspray. Any possible protestations from the girl are answered by a confirmation of the parents worst fears, as LEMMY KILMISTER rides through the wall on a motorcycle, invites their daughter to sit upon the back of it, then gives the camera the finger and departs through the opposite wall, to the parents general astonishment. We see  the other members of MOTORHEAD following Lemmy around in a beach buggy, presumably providing musical backing as he roars down a highway at night with the young woman clinging to his back, singing. Lemmy’s raucous rock and roll stylings are obviously not appreciated by the local authorties, as after a while a police car pulls in close behind Lemmy and a POLICEMAN leans out the window and begins firing a pump-action shotgun at our hero, to little apparent effect.

We cut to another scene. Motorhead and various SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN are sauntering through an alleyway, where they are accosted by approximately thirty heavily armed policemen in riot armour, who assume two ranks and riddle Lemmy with shotgun rounds, before flinging his body in the back of a lorry and driving off. The bullets were apparently rubber as Lemmy survives unscathed, only to undergo execution by electric chair. We cut to a funeral, presumably Lemmy’s. There is a heavy police presence, which proves to be entirely justified as, after a short period of ghostly muttering, Lemmy rides straight out of his own grave on a motorcycle, apparently contradicting the claim in the lyrics that the only time Lemmy will be easy is when he is killed by death. Having resurrected himself, he picks up the young woman again, and sets off, with the rest of Motorhead pursuing in their beach buggy.